Love & Friendship #52 weeks

What qualities in friends do you most admire?

In 1991 I went through one of the hardest times of my life, during this time I had many friends who came to my rescue so I  would like to use this experience to explain the qualities I most admire in my friends.

Mallory was born in 1986.   I had not used any birth control and my plan was to have all my kids by the time I was 30.  We had been trying to get pregnant for a few years.   Finally in 1991, after five years,  I was pregnant.  I was very happy.  Things seemed to be going along just fine, I was very sick as usual and had to go in to the clinic for IV's. 

After four normal pregnancies and deliveries.  It had never entered my mind that I would ever experience any difficulties.  My dream had always been to have a large family.  We decided to have our fifth child but I had a difficult time getting pregnant.  After a while of charts and temperature taking, fasting and praying, I was finally pregnant.  I was very excited.

I was three months pregnant, as far as I knew everything was going along fine.  I had a dream that I miscarried and was quite upset by it,  So I decided to make a Dr. appointment to make sure things were fine.  I took a video tape with me so when they did the ultra sound they could video tape the baby for me and I could show the kids.  As the Dr. was doing the ultra sound I could tell something was wrong.  Finally I was told the baby had died and I would miscarry.  I wasn't prepared for the grief and pain I  felt and for days had uncontrollable sobbing.

Although this was to be our fifth child the pain and loss I felt was deep.  Miscarriage is a very private grief.  Not many people may know that you were pregnant, there is no funeral and you find out that not many people understand the grief that comes along with the loss of a baby that was never born.  But you knew that baby was real and that life was under your heart and all the hopes and dreams of what could of been have ended.

I know that if a person hasn't ever suffered a miscarriage it is very hard to understand what that person is going through.  I was that person, I had a friend who grieved for years and I couldn't understand why she , "just didn't get over it and move on."  I soon found out it is a very emotional and a very sacred time.  Although I was feeling a great loss and unbelievable grief, I was also experiencing great joy and gratitude, that I have never known before.

There were very well meaning people who tried to comfort with word's that hurt.  I know they didn't mean to hurt and were trying to comfort.  I knew that the baby inside of me was real, it was growing and living,  so when I was told, "at least you hadn't felt the baby move yet." Or , "you can have another baby", these words stung, the baby was living and growing and nothing could replace that child, it will always be mourned.  I was often told that I should be grateful I had four children many people don't even have any.  This experience made me more grateful for the children I did have.  My feelings were more tender and my children became more precious.  I gained an understanding of how fragile  and temporary life is.  Because I was grieving the loss of this baby did not mean I was not grateful for the children I had and because of those children, it doesn't mean it is not okay to grieve, a loss is a loss.

Most comfort came from a loving Heavenly Father.  One day as I was so overcome with grief, I got on my knees and asked Heavenly Father, "Are you there, and do you care?  Are you aware of the pain and sorrow that I am suffering?"  I felt such a warm feeling through my whole body and felt so much peace.  I knew he cared and I knew he was there.

For some reason this loss tested my faith.   I couldn't understand why he would send a baby to a home where it would be abused and unloved.  Why would he send a baby to a teenager who didn't want it.  I had many other questions about life and when it begins.  Our Free Agency and what it involves.

I found great comfort in the scriptures and kept a journal of scriptures I found that brought me comfort and understanding

For my own personal record I would like to put this scriptures in.

Alma 5:13  And a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.

1 Nephi 18:21 I prayed unto the Lord and after I had prayed the winds did cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm

2 Nephi 4:20-21 My God hath been my support, he hath led me through my afflictions in the wilderness and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

2 Nephi 26-27   If the Lord in His condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy why should  my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow and my flesh waste away and my strength slacken because of mine afflictions?

Yea why should I give way to temptations that the evil one hath place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul?

Ether 2:24-25  For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves hall dash upon you.  Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come.  Therefore what will ye that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?

The spirit was so strong during this time and much of my comfort came through the scriptures.  Especially the last one.  I knew that the Lord was putting that question to me, "What can I do that ye may have light when you are swallowed up in the depths of sorrow?"  The only thing I could think of at the time, "What do I need?  I need to know that you are real, that you are aware, I need my testimony to remain and my belief in the Savior to still be there when I am  in the depths of sorrow."

I was comforted in many ways and felt such spiritual growth during this time.  As most people learn during difficult times, they don't wish for the trial but they wouldn't trade it because of the spiritual growth that came with it.

Some of my help came through friends that I will always appreciate and love who came to my aid during this difficult time.

The first was my dad-----I drove him to Provo, on the way I poured out my heart, thoughts, fears, questions, troubled mind in great emotion.  He sat and listened ---and cried with me.  He didn't lecture, didn't try to calm my troubled mind, he just cried.  It meant the world to me.  To have someone listen without judgement or a need to make it alright by meaningless phrases.  He suffered with me.

Jacque Moses---A friend I have great admiration for.  She has many great qualities and I wish I could be more like her.   She is very organized.  We would go walking at 6 a.m. , we would always ask her if she got her eaves dusted and her porch swept because we knew by 6 a.m. she would have her house perfectly cleaned.  She knows the scriptures well and is very spiritual.  After I had a surgery to find out why I couldn't get pregnant, she asked how she could help.  I told her the kids were old enough and could do it.  They had been doing the housework, but not very good.  She came anyway and cleaned my house for me.  During this difficult time I did not like others bringing up my grief.  But when I  needed it I could always stop by Jacques house and I would cry and talk and she would listen to me without judgement.  I have always appreciated her wisdom  and also her honesty.

Angela Hurst--- Angela lives by the spirit.  Her goal everyday is to make a list of people who may need help from our Heavenly Father.  She listen's closely to the spirit and follows the prompting she receives.  Many days I would get a phone call.  It was Angela and she would say,. "I just felt you needed something so I am calling to see how you are."  She saved me many times when I was in my deepest despair because she listened to the spirit.  Her goal is to always serve and help others.

Terri Winder---She was the friend I wasn't so patient with about her miscarriage.  But she knew just what to do.  It wasn't something I thought I needed and didn't want to do.  But she understood.  She brought me a porcelain doll to make, she stayed and made the doll with me.  I painted the face, hands and feet, sewed the little clothes of a doll that was the size of my baby when I miscarried.  We visited and cried and laughed.  I was surprised at how healing it actually was.  I have always appreciated her kindness during this time.

I have many friends and admire many qualities about them.  I just wanted to share  a few who helped me through a hard time.