Although I knew deep inside it wouldn't be likely that mom would make it to Blanding to live with us. I still planned as if it was going to happen. I expected my Christmas to be more like the picture. Sitting at mom's bedside and catering to her needs. I had already decided I would put everything else aside in my life and take care of mom and her needs. I knew from previous experience that it wouldn't be easy and would be very demanding but I was willing to do it. My mother took care of me for three to four months with all six of my pregnancies. She took care of my kids and took care of me while I struggled with extreme morning sickness. Out of the gratitude I felt for her service to me and my little family I decided long ago that I would take care of her in her old age.
She was put in the rehab section of the nursing home to recover from a broken femur. Every time I went to visit her I always felt such a sweet peaceful spirit. I thought often, "this nursing home sure has a neat spirit about it. If all nursing homes are like this I wouldn't mind going to one if the need arises." Mom tried and fought hard to do all she could to get back on her leg so she could come live with us. Every time I went to visit it was evident that she was going down hill. The last time I went to visit and left for home she told me that she didn't think she would be able to come live with me. She wanted it but knew deep down , like me, it wasn't going to happen.
The Sunday before she died I was listening to a Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD and the song , "Softly and Tenderly ", was playing I never noticed the words to the song before but the spirit was very strong with me as I listened to the words,
Why should we linger when Jesus is pleading?
Pleading for you and for me.
Why should we linger and heed not his mercies?
Mercies for you and for me.
Come home, come home
you who are weary ,come home.
Earnestly , tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling, o sinners , come home.
I knew from the spirit she was being called home. I was very emotional and cried all week. The following Sunday I was leaving after General Conference to Price. The talk by Pres. Eyering put me into one of those deep gut wrenching sobs. I felt an urgency to get to my mother. Us siblings had a meeting scheduled Monday morning with the nursing home and her doctor to discuss her future care.
Bill called me before I left because mom wanted to know when I would arrive in Price. She told Bill to tell me if she was asleep to stand and look at her till she woke up. It made me giggle.
When I got to Price she was awake and glad to see me. I stayed the night with her and Monday we spent the day meeting with her and the doctor and nursing home staff.
Needless to say some hard times and hard decisions were made. I stayed most of Tuesday with her and sat by her side most of Wednesday. Those days were so spiritual and sacred. I had some very tender and wonderful moments with my mother. Wednesday night around 10:00 she passed away. Two of my sisters were also there. We felt her spirit , with much energy, exit her body. She shed tears as she left. She finally had the faith and courage to flee her poor broke down body. I would have loved to see her joy as she discovered she no longer had the burden of her body.
The days after her death were a wonderful experience as us siblings spent time together at her house. I went back to the nursing home and the feeling and the spirit wasn't the same. I don't know why I didn't connect earlier that the spirit was strong because of my mom. That it was her that made it feel so peaceful and special.
So during this hectic , chaotic days before Christmas my wish is to feel the peace and love that surrounded my mother and us as we sat by her bedside. Which was the pure love of Christ. I long for and need that spirit. I hate when my mind and focus does not include the Savior. I need that spirit near and I am grateful that my mother became so pure and sanctified in the last three months of her life that the love of Christ was all around her.
4 comments:
Great post Mom! I was really looking forward to Grandma living with you. I was wanting to get to know her better. I am sure that song gave you peace though as you went through those days.
*sigh, tears running down my cheeks, no words*
Love to you.
My computer has been in the shop getting repaired and I got it back.
I'm glad you were finally able to write something down on your experience with mom during her last days on earth. It was a very touching post.
Tears are running down my cheeks, too. I miss mom, and I missed her so much during the Christmas season. There were so many times I had the urge to get on the phone and call her. Making turtles, reading the Christmas story, decorating the house, going to Hardware Ranch, among so many other small things, made me search for her's and dad's spirits. I think the Lord cares enough to let our parents continue to be a part of our lives. Family is what it's all about.
How was your Christmas this year?
When do I need to order the nativity sets for next year?
It's plain losing your mom is a difficult thing for you. You've been sifting through a lot of memories. It's a time of change.
You knew this earthly life would have pain and suffering before you arrived here. You weren't cowardly about it then (like the third who couldn't tolerate the thought) and you aren't afraid now.
Keep your courage in mind and find peace in Jesus' promises of you being with your family in the next life.
The fruit of the Tree of Life is sweet only if we can compare the bitterness and loss. It is part of the opposition in all things. It is the consequences of being mortal.
Grieving is normal and part of healing. You are doing the right things by writing about it. It's good therapy.
Stay true.
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